My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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