i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
