Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
