just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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