I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
