My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
