Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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