Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We had sex on a dog bed..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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