I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
