You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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