Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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