Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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