Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
