Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
