do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
