I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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