I think my fart just growled at me.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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