I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
