Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
