He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I look better un-naked...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
