Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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