I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
