Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He kissed a someone with a penis
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
