wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
