nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
