I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
