would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
