he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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