Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
