Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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