That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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