A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
