the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
