Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
