I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
