i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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