just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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