just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
