I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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