I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
