somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
