You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
