i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
