I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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