Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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