Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So here I am, sexting at work.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
