Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
