Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
