to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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