bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
