I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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