mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
