Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
