Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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