i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
